Leaky Pipe

- a Short Story -

Let not the cobbler judge above the sandal!

Insofar as it is possible to describe accurately the sad and curious case of Alex Nihilson, I will attempt to do so now.

On one bitterly cold January morning, while an arctic chill from Canada swept through the small town where Alexander had resided all his life, he noticed a small pool of water under his kitchen cabinet. Investigating no further, Alexander decided the appropriate course of action would be to call a professional to rectify the unfortunate situation. Alex took to an internet search and found the number to the plumbing company with the highest number of and best reviews. After a few rings, a shrill voice answered the phone. “Hello, thank you for calling Supreme Authority Water Source Plumbing Company Incorporated. How may I help you?”

“Yes, I am looking to get a water leak in my kitchen fixed.”

“Absolutely, we can help you with that. We will be right over,” replied the woman, immediately hanging up without getting Alexander’s address. No sooner had she hung up the phone than Alexander heard a knock at his door. To his surprise, when he opened the front door, stood a short and fat plumber, impatiently trying to open the locked screen door.

“You called for a leak?” Said the plumber curtly, walking past Alexander after he opened the screen door, tracking mud onto an Oriental rug.

“Well yes, I did, it’s right over there, under the kitchen sink,” said Alexander, although the plumber was already walking directly towards the kitchen without waiting for his answer. Alexander followed the man into the kitchen, where he had already opened and violently shut the cabinet door.

“Yes, I see your problem here. You have a leaky pipe. We are gonna need to replace your sink.”

“The whole sink?” Replied Alexander.

“Yes, it’s all bad. In order to get the sink out, we are gonna need to have a cabinet guy remove the granite.” Just as the plumber finished his sentence, Alexander heard the door open and slam closed. In walked 3 contractors wearing hard hats and carrying large sledgehammers.

“Hello, We’re with Johnston Foremost Elite Granite and Cabinet Specialist Corporation. Here to detach the granite for the sink.”

“Oh yes, well, if you really think it’s necessary,” Alexander murmured in confusion.

“For sure, it is unavoidable.” Answered the granite contractors in unison, who immediately went to smashing the granite with their sledgehammers to Alexander’s horror.

“Wait!” Screamed Alexander. “Can’t you just detach the granite without completely destroying it?”

“No, no. That’s impossible. We have thoroughly examined the countertops, and with granite like this, the only resolution is to break it into tiny pieces, place it in the backyard while the sink is replaced, and then we’ll carefully and with meticulous care glue it back together, piece by piece. Don’t worry, we will get your kitchen back in order in no time.” While two of the workers continued smashing the granite to pieces, the ostensible leader of the crew ushered Alexander over to his office and encouraged him to take his mind off the kitchen. No sooner was it, though, that Alexander had sat down on his office chair, then he heard one of the cabinet contractors yell about some newly discovered dilemma.

“Oh, this is a big one.” Alexander heard as he rushed back into the kitchen.

“What is it?” The homeowner asked excitedly.

“Termites, you have a terrible case of termite damage. We discovered it while ripping out your cabinets.”

“I didn't know you needed to also remove the cabinets.” Alexander said with an air of bemusement.

“Oh well, of course you didn’t know!” Replied one of the cabinet contractors mockingly. “You're a shoe cobbler, after all. What would you know about the intricacies of the detachment and regluing of granite countertops?”

“I’m actually a philosophy professor...” Alexander began to say as he heard the front door open and slam closed again. In walked a lanky, pale man with beady black eyes; his eyebrows naturally raised as if in a constant state of surprise.

“Good morning. I’m the chief executive officer of Preeminent Bug and Pest Extermination Conglomeration Systems. I’m here to inspect the termite damage.” Walking straight to the wall, while handing Alexander a white business card which read simply, ‘PROFESSIONAL’, and stepping over broken granite pieces, the man began kicking in the drywall so as to better examine the extent of the damage. “Oh yes, this is some of the worst termite damage I have ever seen. We are going to have to get a carpenter in to reframe these sill plates.”

“Now, wait just a second!” Screamed Alexander, now thoroughly flummoxed by the entire ordeal. “I’m not sure I can afford to do all of this.” But before he could accurately articulate his reservations, the door opened up again, and this time before it slammed shut, the Chief Executive Officer yelled out, “Just leave the door open, why don’t you?” The representative of the carpenter’s company walked in while the exterminator grabbed hold of Alexander and began to explain to him what was happening with an air of condescension as he directed him out of the kitchen.

“Now listen here, Mr. Nihilo, as it pertains to the goings on inside of houses, we, and by we, I mean professionals with years of experience at accredited and highly distinguished certification firms, are the ones who are best situated to ascertain, prescribe, and remediate any abnormalities within a home. You say you can’t afford to do this work, but by god, can you afford not to! Did you think about that?”

“I guess I didn’t,” Alexander said with pensive self-examination.

“Of course you didn’t, but that’s okay. Why don’t we go outside and let these men do their job?” he said as he firmly guided Alexander out the front door before he could grab a coat to protect himself from the icy chill of the winter vortex.

Alexander stood outside, shivering and waiting patiently as one contractor after another entered and exited his home, taking with them portions of his home they had violently ripped out. Soon, a man in a hazmat suit and wearing a full-face respirator came outside, doffed his mask, and said, “Hello, Mr. Nihilos. I’m with Above All Asbestos and Bat Guano Abatement Association United Unlimited. I have some very bad news. Your attic is not only infested with bats but is also full of asbestos insulation. Unfortunately, as I have already contacted the relevant governmental authorities as respects these sorts of situations, it has been determined that your home is to be condemned and burned down at once.

“Dear lord! You cannot be serious!”

“Oh yes, I am very serious. We have already begun preparations to take the appropriate corrective actions.” As he said this, Alexander saw five men pouring gasoline all around and inside the home. Before Alexander could object, one of the men lit a match and threw it into the foyer of his home, immediately inflaming the entire house in red and orange; thick plumes of smoke billowed out of the attic where the cries of small flying mammals were heard for some miles.

“Wait!” Cried Alexander, “Can’t I salvage anything from the building? All of my books and syllabus for next semester are in there!”

“Yes, it’s very unfortunate. You’ll have to make a new syllabus for your art classes. There is absolutely nothing in the home that could be saved. We meticulously examined every aspect of the home and the damages contained therein, taking into consideration all relevant factors.”

“I’d like to go in there and see the attic for myself!” Yelled Alexander in a frenzy.

“Have you lost your mind? Do you have any idea how toxic and dangerous asbestos and bat guano are? No, of course you don’t; you're just an art instructor! Now, that is the end of it. Let us not discuss this anymore; I have many more inspections to go to. We are deeply apologetic,” the man said without looking at Alexander as he signed and handed him a piece of paper. “Here is our invoice; we accept check, cash, or card. Good day, sir.” The man then jumped into his truck and drove off.

Alexander looked down at the invoice, which said: “For Abatement Services: $1,000,000. Due upon receipt. Late fees enforced.” After reading, Alexander crumpled up the paper and threw it into the raging fire, which was now causing the entire home to collapse in on itself.

Alexander wished to run far from the fire, but the heat expressed by the flames was the only thing keeping him warm. As he stood there, a mail carrier came and handed him a large envelope from his insurance company, which said; “Dear Valued **INSERT POLICYHOLDER NAME HERE**; We regret to inform you, that after a detailed investigation of the facts of loss and cause of damages to your home, we will be unable to indemnify any coverage for your claim. Although you do have fire insurance, our in-depth investigation has concluded that the proximate cause of the damages to your home was caused by continuous repeated seepage and leakage, asbestos contamination, and bat guano, all of which are ‘Losses Not Insured.’ Please refer to your policy attached for more details. We greatly appreciate and value your business.”

After Alexander skimmed through his 300-page policy, he began to realize he was shivering again. Looking back to his home, the fire had all but died out, and the entire structure was nothing but the charred remains of what was once his home. He walked back into the kitchen, where the fat plumber was rummaging through the ashes in the kitchen.

“What are you still doing here?” Alexander said weakly.

“Sir, we may have made a slight miscalculation. It seems like the plumbing pipe wasn’t the issue after all, but rather, it’s just a tiny hole in the drain line. I can patch this up, no problem.”